I’m exhausted. Moving house is taxing on every level but it has been worth it. As I write, I am looking at the most beautiful pink sunset over the ocean. It is hard to tell where the water ends and the sky begins; and though there may be boxes, buckets and cleaning cloths all over the place, my Christmas tree sparkles proudly in the corner. Some things just can’t be put off! Fully decked with ceramic white hearts, felt red hearts and candy cane lights there appears to be more twinkles on my tree than there are in the sky.
Everything is beginning to settle, including me. That makes me incredibly happy, as for the past few weeks my eating has been thoughtless and I have forgone my daily ritual of meditation as I fall into bed exhausted each night. In the morning, I have been squeezing every extra minute of sleep I can get and wishing there could be more. I have become a ‘do-er’ and it is taking its toll.
Instead, I want to be walking beside the waves in the morning and again in the evening to take in every incredible sunset. I want to be free of all the cleaning materials instead of sorting, wiping and tidying. I want to be inspired by food again. I realise it is 8.35pm and I have not eaten since lunchtime. Now I am too tired to cook of course, so tea and toast it is. This is not good enough. I am so obviously in need of self-nourishment yet I keep myself waiting just a little bit longer. Waiting until everything is clean and in its proper place. Waiting, waiting, waiting. “Just one more week, one more weekend and I’ll have it sorted” I tell myself. I am withholding nourishment from myself, all for having a tidy home. While I know I function better in an orderly environment, I also know that my energy is being drained and it must stop. I realise that aside from being exhausted by doing, I am equally exhausted by thoughts of things left to do.
Withholding nourishment from ourselves is something we all do at some point, though some of us may go a lifetime without giving much needed attention to oneself. As Ashleigh Brilliant wrote, “At any moment I could start being a better person – but which moment should I choose?” Well, generally Monday’s work for me, in theory. But they never do. So, with no time like the present I am done with the lists. No more lists! No more working to 9.30pm every night and no more running low on energy with poor food choices. I am worth more than that. It is time to slow down and reassess what is important, not what needs cleaned.
As darkness falls and the final pink rays of the sun dip below the horizon I am at peace for the first time in a few weeks. I have put down my self-inflicted burdens and it feels good. I turn my attention to my beautiful cat curled at my feet, give her the love she deserves then draw a cool bath. Self-nourishment begins now. Tonight, I will slip between the sheets feeling fresh and unburdened, ready to start tomorrow with a new focus. Me.